An entry from a few days ago

 

here is how i deal with grief

You don’t “get over” it. You never will. Never say never, they say. Well it doesn’t particular pertain to these feelings of heartache.

So, I run. I run till I cant feel my lungs. I lose my breath. Exasperating for fresh air to clean my soul that has fallen. My soul that has succumbed to the deep darkness inside my bones, that I’ve never quite known. Until now…now we are great buddies. We tend to hang out every once in a while. Could be for weeks at a time, or just once a month.

But she is one of those friends who pressures you to do all that you should not. She makes you look inside of yourself and doubt how far you’ve come. In an attempt to question if you should be more like them. She is the devil on my shoulder. So I try to run away from this friend of mine.

Run, run, run. I think I can lose her if I run fast enough.

I begin to lose myself within my thoughts. The music blaring in my ears to drown out my unanswered questions.

Running has given me control of something. For a long time I had control of nothing. Everything was a big blur covered over with glazed wounded eyes. I couldn’t see anything, couldn’t see where I was going. No destination in sight. I was a robot amongst all others. Precisely imitating their moves – smiling when they smiled, laughing when they laughed. Trying to make sense of life and blend in appropriately.

It hurt. Everything hurt.

So here I find myself leaving all of you behind. As my feet go one in front of the other…. running swiftly into the distance. Running from my pain, shedding pounds of hatred towards the world that accumulated. You can’t control me my friend.

I am free as I fly. I am running, rather flying. Through my days and weeks. The breeze against my skin always reminding me that you are still with me somewhere. I feel you when I’m running. I feel like myself again as the sun beats down on me. You make your presence known.

I see you up there. You are flying just as I am – as my guardian angel.

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