It’s similar to being told to swim like all the other fish in the sea. Being placed in situations where you’re forced to entertain those around you. Becoming the limelight of the room until you realize you’re meant to be in the shadows.
Growing up in a house with so many people at all times – friends and family. Strangers. Chaos. Loud noises. Dogs barking. What else is there to do but play along. Create more noise for the noise. An extrovert in training. You scream because they scream. You talk because they never fail to talk back. Silence is Houdini.
With silence comes solidarity, calmness, space to think, a place to recharge. Yet without ever experiencing the wonderful sensation – how does one know?
So you continue to play along. Did they bark Oh right, let me bark back? It’s as simple as growing up a circumstance of your environment. Learning from what you observe. Never quite learning anything at all.
Losing sight of myself is what all that noise did to me in the big scheme of things. Even extroverts need time alone to recharge. This concept was unheard of to me until I physically displaced myself from the hostile surroundings – all the way across the country to be exact.
The alone time subjected to my daily life was preposterous. I had no one to take my time away from me. It was nearly impossible for me to relax, yet alone catch my breathe. I didn’t even know I could be with myself. Now, this time, I significantly treasure.
Stretches of time to continuously grow into this physical being. Understanding my darkest pieces and my brighter ones. All the pieces that make me whole. I’m even proud of the darkest ones. I acquired the capacity to friend the parts of me that were previously non-existent to my conscious. Because I never listened.
All I was doing was dancing to distract myself from the pain. The chaos.
The difference now is my ability to dance along in acknowledgment of my dark and my light. I can see when enough is enough. I own the power of self-awareness. I am continuously becoming one with myself. If I feel as though I want to swim with the other fishies – I will, happily.
As for today, I’ll be my own empowered kind of fishie.