how a nightmare can be beautiful

I had a nightmare last night, as I do most. This one was particularly eye opening. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, ready to puke my brains out. I was sick. A sore throat (Maybe I subconsciously knew during my sleep that Trump won the election, ha!).

My dad was in my dream. We were talking and shooting the shit, per usual. Suddenly, I realized he was dead (a general theme in my dreams). So this couldn’t be happening. We couldn’t be together much less even have a conversation. All of a sudden, he stopped talking to me. He ignored me. Yet continued to charm everyone else. I sat next to him staring blankly. I watched him from afar. I cried. I followed him around screaming at him to pay attention to me. I cried harder.

Nothing. He continued to ignore me. I continued to cry. Everyone tried to console me simultaneously neglecting to ask why I was upset. They assumed I was upset about something entirely different. They couldn’t grasp my pain. I pushed them away.

This dream is déjà vu to me. I have it occasionally and wake up in a sweat; nauseated.

The pain I carry each and every day knowing I can’t talk to my father haunts me. Tears me up at any random hour on any day.

This dream gave me some insight. It could mean a number of things. I still have yet to process my grief. I think that because my father isn’t physically present, he’s not listening to me, or present in any form.

But, he is here. Spiritually. I want to open up my heart more to him. So I can hear him. I am working on coming to terms with his death and it has been 2 years.

For anyone, that has felt the loss of a parent. I’m forever apologetic. I understand the heartache. It’s okay to randomly break out in tears. Throw hissy fits. Scream in your pillow. Not have it all together. Feel every feeling in the world all at once. Hide in your room for a whole day. Allow these things to happen.

Be patient with yourself. You are strong and capable. Let yourself feel at all capacities.

Your loved ones who passed are present. Maybe not how you want them to be but they are here.

One day, I aspire to live my life at a higher frequency so my father’s presence in my life will be prominent and felt. I wish this to all who endure a similar heartbreak.

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