groundless

Star dust oscillates through the blood

The taste of a Szechuan bud

Lingering on the tongue

 

Lightning crashes in one lung

The other overflowing with a starry-eyed sea

Bioluminescence sensuality

 

Materializing to a feverish energy

The mind lost in reverie

 

Your bodies no longer grounded

Everything becomes soundless

 

Each resembling a weightless feather

Serenely fading into a peaceful world together

our subtle light

I never had a hard time loving you
Because I will forever accept you
You came to me far from flawless
As I did to you, definitely not faultless
Our relationship unordinary
Like a tide meeting the ocean; an estuary
All my quiet spots are found within your walls
Our passion and love creating vast waterfalls
A never ending flow of imperfection
Deeply found at a perfect angle of reflection

I mirror you – as you mirror I
Oh, how our light can mystify

perfect little wildflower

My perfect little wildflower,

 

Just imagine you were perfect

Nothing could break you

Or for that matter, make you

 

A world of endless diamonds

Sparkling all horizons

 

Shining out for miles and miles

Lighting up the hills and all the isles

 

Just imagine you were perfect

Tears of pure love

For the life that you are a part of

 

Nothing more and nothing less

You are already a victory, a sweet success

 

Can you even imagine that power?

Because you are all you need to be

My perfect little wildflower

on love

does it arise like a leaf gently flowing down a stream or more like a strike from an avalanche freezing time in just seconds?

&

does it feel like blades of grass dancing in the wind or more like an earthquake shattering the earth beneath your feet?

&

does it sound like birds chirping quietly awakening you on a Sunday morn or more like thunderous bolts crashing above your head?

&

does it smell like a salty kiss against your lips from the ocean breeze or does it smell like nothing at all?

how it feels to find true love

a gaze permeates her eyes,

so deep it was unrecognized

this love was not ephemeral

it was quite plentiful, a rare chemical

pounding of a heartbeat unknown

affirming she no longer had to endure the world alone

not for even one more day

he appeared, wishing her troubles away

she nearly fell to the floor

unable to conceptualize su amor

What I am grateful for that I never said

Dear Pops,

Today is Thanksgiving. The third one. The third one without you. It actually feels like it hurts less than before, and that scares me. I don’t want to lose sight of you. The way today you would call me to let me know the turkey was in the oven getting ready for us. How you would describe the woods up in Ashford. How it was a bit chilly out, but Dakota was loving it outside barking at all the neighbors.  

We would stroll into a crackling fireplace smoking up the house because you could care less. The Chieftains or some Irish jig filling in the quiet spots of the house. As you walked over to us with that sparkle in your eye. You always had a way about you. You could light up a room faster than anyone I’ve known (that still stands). The heaviness and warmth of your hug wrapped around me as if nothing would ever come between us. If I think really, really hard I can still feel one of your hugs. I am happy for that. You would tell me how beautiful I am. Then follow with a snarky joke to make us all crack a smile.

 The kettle would sing to us. You would pour me a breakfast tea, turn and look at me, “you’ll take about 5 sugars right?” with a smirk. You always knew. But hey, now I drink it practically black… shocking I know.

A lot of things have changed since you’ve been gone. The world is definitely a lot less funny, much less smiles to be shared, and less horrifying dance moves for you to embarrass us with in public (or maybe I was the only one mortified when you would lift your shirt up, belly out, and swing your hips). I have no one’s breakfast sandwiches to steal half of, which never seemed to bother you. No one like you to blast music on a long drive and belt out together with no care in the world.

 Ever since you’ve been gone I notice things that only you could provide to me. I really don’t like hugs all that much, but I loved them from you. I rarely sat on anyone’s lap, rightfully so, as a twenty-something year old. Yet, I always sat on yours. You never failed to protect me, love me unconditionally, and embrace who I am. I felt like the best version of myself when I was with you because you believed in me. I am sure that goes for Melissa, Kyle, and Justin. We all love you so deeply, until this day, and for the rest of our lives.

Today, I could be bitter as I can be many days, especially holidays. Because there are children that can be with their dads. There are children that can exchange laughs, smiles and hugs with their dad. There are children that can get irritated, fight or be embarrassed by their dads. And that, unfortunately, makes me envious.

Instead, I want to transform that bitterness into gratefulness. I am forever apologetic that I never shared the unbelievable abundance you carried in my life. I realize that I can still be grateful for you no matter the circumstances. Here are just a few:

  • Thanks for your love of learning, reading, and traveling
  • Thanks for always knowing exactly which joke to tell to make me smile
  • Thanks for calming me down when my anxiety peaked
  • Thanks for making Ireland my home
  • Thanks for forcing us to take pictures together, which I treasure now
  • Thanks for showering me with your wisdom
  • Thanks for your charm and wit
  • Thanks for that laugh of yours that continues to play in my head
  • Thanks for teaching me how to not take everything so seriously, rather live with a lightness
  • Thanks for showing me how to forgive
  • Thanks for your accent that entertained my friends endlessly
  • Thanks for your good looks because we all know you had them
  • Thanks for letting me be “daddy’s little girl”
  • Thanks for your acceptance and encouragement
  • Thanks for continuing to believe in me
  • Most of all, thank you being the best dad in the entire world

 

All the charms you brought and continue to bring into our worlds are boundless, so thank you for being you.

Love you infinitely,

your baby girl

Don’t forget, we’re all just stardust

We are all stardust.

We are easy to forget that life can be as simple as you make it or as complicated as you make it. I most certainly fall victim to the latter most days.

At an art market last week, I met an amazingly beautiful jewelry artist. She handed me a picture of the moon and stars with writing across it, we are all stardust. Her eyes met mine with ease and lightness. She smiled, and graciously enlightened me with a few meaningful words.

I think it’s so funny how everyone takes things so seriously. Don’t they realize what’s happening here? We are all on this crazy huge planet that is floating around the sun. How  insane!? We are all just floating stardust. Everyone gets all worked up for nothing, and take things so seriously. It’s funny to me.

We exchanged some laughs and bantered back in forth. It took a couple hours for what she said to really sink in. She has a point. For someone that struggles with anxiety and depression, this is something that I needed to hear.

Her reminder left me with a sense of lightness as I float through my days as a gust of sparkling stars: unafraid, and empowered. I thank her.

 

 

how my day feels with you

mornings of a gentle kiss
the sun & horizon at bliss

early afternoons of a warm embrace
the clouds fluffy showcase

late nights of whispering sweet nothing
stories from our stars so entrusting

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